Monogamy
Definition
Monogamy is the inherited order: the assumption that one partner is the natural, moral and only legitimate way for human intimacy. It is not a natural arrangement but a system built over roughly two and a half thousand years by warlords, rulers and church leaders whose interest was control.
The guilt and shame around wanting to be close to someone else come from a historical legacy of patriarchy — the fear of being shamed for expressing LOVE and affection towards someone else. What is questioned is not the loving bond itself but the exclusivity made compulsory around it. The life accepted as ‘normal’ was not a natural order.
The history of monogamy
The book *Wide Open* names the builders of the one-partner model, from Solon to Napoleon:
- Solon (c. 638–558 BCE) — laws regulating marriage and inheritance, pushing people into state-controlled, paired households.
- Emperor Augustus (63 BCE–14 CE) — strict marriage and adultery laws to control citizens’ behaviour, establishing the one-spouse model as the official moral standard.
- Augustine of Hippo (354–430) — taught that sexual desire was dangerous and should only exist within strict monogamous marriage, shaping Christian morality for centuries.
- Emperor Justinian I (482–565) — used Roman law to regulate marriage and sexuality, punishing alternative relationship models.
- Pope Gregory I (c. 540–604) — reinforced that any intimacy outside marriage was sinful, using church teachings to control behaviour.
- Charlemagne (747–814) — promoted Christian marriage norms across his empire as part of his political and religious reforms.
- Pope Nicholas I (c. 800–867) — declared monogamous marriage the only valid Christian union, dismissing older traditions that allowed more flexible bonds.
- Rabbenu Gershom (c. 960–1040) — banned plural marriage for Ashkenazi Jews, legally forcing men to have only one wife.
- Pope Gregory VII (c. 1015–1085) — centralised church power over marriage, making monogamy a religious duty and limiting the freedom to engage in other forms of LOVE.
- Pope Innocent III (1161–1216) — tightened marriage rules further, turning monogamy into a legally binding institution the church could enforce across Europe.
- The Council of Trent (1545–1563) — took control of marriage away from private contracts, making it a fully institutionalised, public, sacramental and exclusively monogamous union under church authority.
- European colonial powers (16th–20th centuries) — claimed full control over marriage in colonised societies worldwide, globalising the European model and suppressing indigenous relationship structures.
- Napoleon (1769–1821) — replaced local customs with a unified legal system making monogamy the only socially accepted and legally recognised form of intimacy across many countries.
The Bible passages
The passages long used to defend the exclusive model — verses about unity, loyalty and respect — do not forbid multi-partner relationships. Read in context, each carries a different meaning:
- Genesis 2:24 — “the two shall become one flesh.” Traditional interpretation: ‘one flesh’ as a divine blueprint for one man and one woman in a lifelong bond; ‘two’ means only two. Different perspective: the text describes deep union, not a legal structure — it does not forbid more than one partner, nor does it speak about exclusivity.
- Matthew 19:4-6 — “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” Traditional interpretation: Jesus endorsing strict monogamy and making divorce almost impossible. Different perspective: the context is divorce, not the number of partners — a stand against treating partners as disposable, not against wider forms of stable care.
- Matthew 5:27-28 — “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Traditional interpretation: a call to extreme sexual discipline; any desire outside the marriage bond is sinful. Different perspective: the passage critiques objectification and selfish desire, not loving or consensual intimacy — it warns against using people, not against forming more than one caring bond.
- 1 Corinthians 7:2 — “each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” Traditional interpretation: a clear command — one man, one woman — justifying a closed, possessive model; a cornerstone of monogamy in Christian ethics. Different perspective: practical advice to a troubled community, guiding people toward responsible intimacy — a solution for its moment, not a universal rule about how many caring bonds a human heart can hold.
The alternative to the exclusive couple is a garden rather than a pot: a network joined underground, where touch is not ownership and LOVE is abundant rather than a limited resource — see networks-of-love.
Common misunderstandings
- “Monogamy is the natural order.” It was built, piece by piece, and knowing that makes questioning it legitimate rather than wrong.
- “The Bible forbids multi-partner relationships.” The passages cited for it are about unity, loyalty and respect, later read through a moral lens; read in context, none of them forbids multi-partner relationships.
- “Questioning monogamy means chaos.” What is rejected is the dopamine chase — running through a garden picking every flower, chasing sexual appetites and emotional highs. Not multiple caring bonds. The aim is the grown-up gardener: slow, honest, grounded.
Key terms
- The inherited order — monogamy understood as a system of control and property rather than a natural arrangement.
- LOVE — always capitalised in this book, and treated as abundant rather than a limited resource.
- Network of LOVE — a stable, honest web of connections that shares the emotional load a couple would otherwise carry alone; see networks-of-love.